Laughter is the best medicine

   Last night I got to spend some time one on one with my mother-in-law (george's mom) and we had a good time. A few glasses of wine and some belly laughs took some of the stress off. I think we both need some good times like that because as I realized it last night we are both going through similar situations and she is the only one that really cares and understands. I picked up george at his usual time of 3am and brough him home... drunk again. This morning was different, instead of waking up cranky and screaming he was actually civil and we all 3 went for an outing. Mind blower.

  Oliver's birthday party is tomorrow, I got him a couple things today from the consignment shop, its tax free weekend so that helped a little. I got him a few shirts, some dino slippers, and a hat (he picked it out). I hope all goes well at the party tomorrow, no fights, no stress, just fun for my little boy. I have to go pick up his cake, I ordered it from publix. It's the dinosaur cake, I know he will love it. George is off "making some money" now and Ollie is down for a nap so I'm off to take one too.

Peace and quiet... finally

   I can't believe Ollie is turning 2 already. His official birthday is Monday the 6th but we are doing his party on Sunday. I really wanted to do it at the zoo but with my life being in such an uproar right now I have to save money so I'm having it at chuck e cheese. He will have fun either way and I'm sure hopefully this time next year things will be much better in our lives and we will be out of this rough patch. This picture was taken at Oliver's birthday party last year, cant belive how much he's grown! He certainly has a lot more hair now. I wish we could do a pool party this year but with the way the weather has been I'm not going to take a chance. I was right though becasue there is a tropical storm headed our way so it looks like rain is in the forecast for this weekend. I remember bringing Ollie home from the hospital, it was a monsoon that day! The weather outside was so miserable and I couldnt get the carseat latched down right so he was all cocked up weird and george was bitching at me the whole way home becasue he was angry at the car seat... but I had complete tunnel vision, all I could see was my sweet little angel. Everything else was drowned out in the backround. I knew from that day on that it was just me and Ollie against the world.

About a month ago at Gandy Beach

   I am so glad I let George walk out earlier and didn't go chasing after him. I held strong, even though I had the urge to breakdown and give him a ride to wherever it was he was going. He made it there so I'm sure he had one of his cronies come get him. So back to just me and my sweet Ollie. Life is so much more happy and peaceful and free when it's just the two of us. We don't have to be on constant pins and needles afraid we are going to do something to throw George into hulk mode. I accept the fact that Ollie is a toddler and he is going to do things to test my patience... lucky for him I have the patience of Jobe. We just seem to fit- he understands me and I understand him, completely. Like we were made for each other. I never knew the bond between mother and son was so strong and no one could have ever explained it to me until I got to witness it for myself. I believe everything happens for a reason and whatever this fucked up mess portion of my life meant at least I got Ollie. My little protector. God knew what he was doing with me thats for sure. I have faith that things will work out as they should.


  My mom is all a fluster looking online at $500 sofas and bitching about buying Ollie a $20 birthday present. Typical. I wish I had the luxury of buying a $500 sofa, but instead I'd rather stick that away in a college fund somewhere so that Ollie doesn't have to go through the same shitty poverty life phase that I'm going through now. Wish I had a college fund saved for me... oh well. I guess she is really excited about moving in with her very new boyfriend. We'll see how long this lasts before he realizes she is insane and gets tired of her just like everyone else in her life has. I wish her the best, I guess.

A typical day in my life with George

I don't know why I try anymore. As I'm writing this my hands feel so weak and my mind is a jumbled mess. I am in the midst of trying to regain myself after another incedent. I'll start from the beginning. I went and picked up Oliver's father George last night after not seeing him in 4 days. He was out at a bar drunk with his usaual crew of "friends" and I could tell he was 3 sheets to the wind. He said he was going to be driving everybody home which actually meant making a bunch of stops around town and getting home at god knows when. Not to mention "home" was way out in plant city (about a 30 minute ride) I could not let myself not care and just let him drive drunk becasue I do still care about him. So I talked him into letting me come pick him up and he came to my house and I slept good knowing he was safe. BIG mistake. George wakes up this morning immediately grabs his phone and makes his usual slew of a million calls frantically trying to "make some money" and set up some clientele for the day... I do not need to go into detail. He does this everytime he comes over. Instead of waking up and thinking aw my sweet family who I haven't seen in almost a week what can I do with them today.. its like he is in a race to get as many sales in as possible becasue he knows he can bully me into letting him use my car. (we are not allowed along for the ride) not that I would want to ride around during that kind of activity anyway. Just looking at him you can feel the angst building inside of him like an explosion getting ready to let off. I keep mentioning things that would be fun to do today as a family since we haven't seen each other in so long, I mean come on! This is Olivers father! He needs to see his dad more than once a week and only for a couple hours in the morning?! Everytime I mention something I get the reply "you know I have shit to do I have like 10 people to meet" The whole time I'm sitting here thinking... in who's car? And finally I say it. This throws him into a huge psychotic rage and the next 15 minutes are hard to put into words mostly an explosion of curse words, throwing things, chasing me around the house threatning me in every which way, grabbing me trying to force the keys out of my hand... so I grab the phone and try to call 911. My hands are shaking so bad and these stupid touch screen phones I manage to type out something like 9119191 and can't even hit the send button... mind you this whole time I have george on my back (literally) doing everything he can to wrestle the phone from my hands. Then he leaves out the door, kicks a nice dent in my car and he's gone. Whew. Its like surviving a tornado when you are standing out in a feild with nothing to hold on to. Another day gone by, and only a dent in the car to show for it. At least I made it out alive... success.

It's hard to capture everything in detail by typing out words. On camera it would look like a scene from a domestic violence awareness video but on here it probably just seems like an average fight. Just imagine going through the above mentioned every single day of your life... like a broken record. Some days are better than this, some days are worse. Sometimes I get more than just a dent in the car. I never get enough to have proof. If I did call the cops nothing would come of it. They will hold in in jail overnight and he will be out the next day. Just a slap on the hand. What good would come of that? Piss him off more? I just hate that my Ollie has to witness it, thats why I choose not to have george around at all rather than having to endure this everyday. With my mom moving out on me I am not going to be able to afford to live on my own, work, and pay for childcare. I am going to have to have geroge back in my life so I will be at the tiger's mercy. I just wish somethnig would happen, like a gift from God, and obvious answer to this horrible situation. I'm praying for a miracle.